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May. 22nd, 2009

after 3rd lap

(no subject)


i hurt, i am not suposed to take any demerol, suposed to be fully off for me next pain mangament apointment



took a perscrip mucel relaxent since its the only one pill i have that i can rationalize being allowed other then my usessless anti-inflamitory he perscribed me.

i am hopeing it kicks in soon.

i couldnt bare the thought of an unmedicated car ride, so i couldnt leave the house for the ride to the other town today. so its back to being home alone in pain.

i stayed in bed and sleeping as much as i could, till i couldnt anymore.
then i got up and hobbled to couch.

it hurts so much. its moment like now i wish we had the big tub right now, in my head i see it helping. but ours i know i cant likely get cumpfy in. so its not worth getting wet and then feeling colder then the pain already is making me feel. fuck

why didnt the doctor give me a better comping med then a super advil pill, WTF. i already told him naproxin did nothing for me, and at that point he said likely none wonld then in that family. so now he perscibes me one in that family, as the thing to get me off narcotic pain meds i take daily., nws flash its NOT helping.

Apr. 15th, 2009

after 3rd lap

i dont want to be miserable anymore.

I care about your day, and yes you work so yours is more important then mine.

My day is often nothing and more nothing, but you know the days it isn't, the days i have apointmets at the pain clinic, the days i have been up often 5hours more then you. But Those days i want you to ask how my day was, or at least show you care.

My day was long, and upsetting.

you sorta just asked about my day, but not really... you saw more lyrica samples and asked i they were the ones i got on the weekend, and i said no, so you reolized perhaps mydosage might have been upped by pain doc...


and that was it. you turned back to full focus on the computer before there was a chance to throw info about my bad day at you. and i dont wana throw it at you, thats why i hope you care to ask, so i can get it off my chest.

I am "allowed" max 2pills of demerol a day now, even though thats my average.
The doc suggested midol or "that kinda female time anti-inflamitory" for when my pain is worst... because thats a dysmenephoria issue.... NONE of his concern, and to put off taking anyting till i cant bare it anymore... at that moment i pointed out i start being unable to keep meds/anyting down if i wait to long since i start throwing up from the pain and then cant even take meds. he gave me a sample of celebrex at that point. To take when i am at my worst..... once per day i beleive, but there are only 4 pills, i normaly have more "really bad days" then that in a period.

i got more nerve blocks... this time with cortizone in them also... yay?  its a first time trying. they seem to have helped less or the same as last shots. i am back in more pain then i can be in and still be in a good mood. and i already took my one demerol i am allowed sine i had one earlyer today.

We just talked, as i was writing this, and i am glad we did. i am in tears again, but glad i got that all out. If his treatment plans dont work out, i am fucked. and since i just explained all that to you, i dont wana write it out also right now

I dont want to be miserable anymore.
you think i am miserabl

Jan. 27th, 2009

after 3rd lap

(no subject)

So the garlic to fix a yeast infection... umm wow.

I compleatly beleive it could work, however it was to potent for me to be able to stand. kept the clove in for a few hours, and made things start feeling better right away. however being able to taste the garlic in my mouth, on my breath and in my sweat was less then fun. so i didnt try it out fully.

Now i have my period.

and BAD pain, what elce is new! The shitty part is i will be out of pain meds in a few hours unless i can sleep very soon, and even if i can it just means i will be out of meds after M goes to work. *unless of course out of no-where pain dissapears*

So i have a feeling i will be going to the ER tonight. Think i shall look up to make sure taxi's are open 24/hours.

I have never gone to the hospital in pain alone, it will be hard for me. Since i am normaly give loads of drugs, and cant think well, nor can i think if in pain...
i also JUST reolized that this hospital rarly does anything but write a perscription (and yes thatswhat i need) however no pharmacy will be open to fill it i dont think.

Going alone also means bringing cash and ID and such, things that i dont like having to be responcible for while at the hospital.

M's alarm will be going off in a little over 3hours. Now that i am in managable pain, one would hope i could sleep. Yet not likely since my meds are effecting that now likely.


Since i am still unemployed i am going away for a little bit at the end of this week. Might be hell, but we shall see.
Not like i am acturaly employable really. I like to think i am, but seriusly... i used up what is my largest perscription of demerol (been this perscription since september) but now this time i used up my "2 month supply" in a month... well in 4hours i will have.



Jan. 22nd, 2009

after 3rd lap

(no subject)

i am trying the garlic today for a yeast infection.

i can tell one is brewing down there, and periods comming and thats enough annoyence i dont wat a wicket yeast infaction at the same time.

so now there is a garlic, inside me with a string attached. isnt burning so i am already happy.

Jan. 13th, 2009

after 3rd lap

(no subject)

so i took a pill.

perhaps it will make me able to acomplish things better then other wsie could.

my body, less the egg white fluid... is acting as though my period is coming and yet its not.

- Change bedding in master bedroom
- wash a load of laundry
- vacume master bedroom
- clean up cat puke in computer room
- vacume computer room

- take tree apart
- put tree and decerations away
- wash some tupper-wear
- clean stove top
- start crock pot carrot soup

after 3rd lap


oh fuck i hurt.

and THIS.. THIS is why although i feel bad sleeping all day as he is at work... i do anyways.


i was good i got up today but only made it as far as the couch basicaly.
often i would still be asleep, thus not likely feeling this.

i want demerol, but feer tummy unhappy enough already i will just throw up.

Like yesterday, i feel the pain in the sides of my lower back.. along with everywhere elce basicaly.

i have a big to-do list today... and so far all i have acomplished is run the dishwasher (not even put away)
i need to call around to some doctors, and yet now my pain like this makes me unable to have a normal conversation. Another reason i dont really want meds, since lets say pain gets better i can call, but no matter if i take meds it makes it very tricky to learn from the doctors what i need to know.

It is moments like now i simply chuckle over my one doctor "simply meditate and do breathing and you will have no pain" fuck off.... you try being in this pain and meditating it away! GAH!

Jan. 8th, 2009

after 3rd lap

what is there to eat?

looked at the foods to avoid due to i_cystitis
looked at the foods to avoid due to endo.

left to eat...


it really feels like that is it!


I have been having huge i cystitis flare ups the last few days.
Funny seeing as when i eat things i get flare up, if i eat nothing... (literaly) all day i still get a flare up
its not fair. (my self pitty moment.)

seriusly though, if i have another flair up tonight, it will be an even bigger melt down then i had last night no doubt.

Jan. 7th, 2009

after 3rd lap

(no subject)

my day is sucking no matter.


but right now it feels as though my bladder is runing things, this is the 3rd day/evening i've had it acting up.
I dont want to move since that will make the urge to pee seem even greater.

i am begining to hate basicaly everything that is in side me.

Jan. 3rd, 2009

after 3rd lap

oh i wish i was asleep beside him! not awake

i am awake.

i want to be asleep. laying there without anything to distract me, the pain wouldnt let me sleep.
havent taken more meds since my luck they will then make it impossible to sleep.

im tired, but i dont think exausted enough to be able to sleep, more likely stair at wall more and posibly wake up other person in bed.

who is sick, and tired and needs the sleep.

i am tired

the interview went decent, but who knows.
likely someone with more experience, or qualifications will get the job and not me.
who knows if i could even handle it the way my body is.

my pain is making me depressed right now. I think perhaps i could do the job, and well and even enjoy.
but money is tight for everyone these days, it would be better if i brought it more money... and yet i dont know if i can.

i end up feeling useless.
because my own head rips me apart.

my own mom seemed to not care at all i was happy and excited about my posibly getting a job, she took the happiness out of it.

didnt even call tonight to ask how it went.
His mom did, sure she called for other reasons.. but she asked. We had a whole convo about my morning and interview.

who knows.

i think im almost at the point again if i go back to crying myself to sleep i might acturaly end up sleeping rather then just crying and getting back out of bed after a half hour.

He is amazing, but i fear i am a huge drain on him. i worry he is not as happy as he always was when things started, i know i am not exactly uplifting in mood either though, i try but this disease growing inside me just makes it hard often.

more when i think of the future, do i try school again next year... im in basicaly as much pain now as when i had to leave.
is it worth it? the cost of school and living there, to come out and perhaps not make much more then the jobs i am finding now? being away for 2more years? if i get a job now i can handle and experience perhaps later i can do better? but then i feel failure for leaving school.

i have no idea what to do. will this pain ever stop?
most of today i felt like i am doing nothing but falling apart from my insides and gushing blood.
whoever says the average woman looses only an ounce their entire period, i would like to talk to!
no way i lost less then an ounce from 3-9pm alone! perhaps even 2ounces or more when u factor in the mad clots lately *ewwy, gross feeling*

god.. this has to be more then the pain, also hormones im about ready to start crying a bit more again.

Jan. 1st, 2009

after 3rd lap

Job interview!

A lady contacted me the other day, from a site i am on that gives a profile about me and my abilities to do childcare (figured a part time child care gig i might be able to handle)

She asked me to call her and i did and have an interview with her tomorrow,
She has one child, a young toddler and requires 2 days a week (with a total of 10hours/week then)
not much, but its smething to get me started.

i hope i get this job. it will give me more of a reason to the day, and give me some purpose since lately i feel like im just a drain on society having nothing to offer.

and its enough money, with only 10hours a week that i can still pay room and board (that is very cheap) without acturaly having to be using my savings.


im excited and scared both.

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